I had a conversation with a friend the other night, and he expressed to me that he wanted to be committed but not really committed I wont sit here and berate him and make you all think that it’s a horrible idea. Sometimes loneliness kicks in and you do want someone to spend time with, but for some reason they are lacking the fundamental qualities that you would want in order to make it something official. In the beginning it starts out as a good idea, but down the road someone will catch feelings. Yeah they messed up the agreement, but you are dealing with a human being. We aren’t absolute scientific equations or numeric problems. Things happen and you grow to love this person on a separate level.
In these situations, if the other party isn’t strong enough, they may continue the façade. I am pretty sure you can tell when someone has feelings that are deeper than they where before. I believe a lot of the time, a man knows when things have taken a turn for the deep. I mean in essence a man’s reaction in this situation could be one of the following: 1. He truly may not know your feelings because your attempts aren’t obvious or 2. He knows, but he feigns ignorance because he still wants to get as much as possible out of the deal. He may have some type of feelings for her, but as we initially stated there are core deficiencies that prevents him from making a commitment. Eventually the conversation may move to the “relationship” speech. This is where so many, many, men go horribly wrong. They will say the “I’m not ready for a commitment” line. At this point, she has two choices: she may move on or she will hang in there. A few weeks or months will go by and she’s still giving up the goods getting emotionally involved, and posting your personal exploits on social media. At this point that man has to have another conversation, with the “I’m not ready for commitment” spiel and she’ll pipe for the moment. But for the next several months this is going to keep happening to you guys. Why? Because there are simple facts that men are missing. You will continue to keep having these conversations, and frankly I do not feel bad for those guys who keep a woman on his hook.
What is the hook? It was eloquently explained in an episode of “How I met your mother”. It is when you leave the possibility of a relationship open. When men use the line of “I’m not ready for a commitment” to a woman, what it really means is that “I want to commit to you, I just need to smash some more chicks. And when I am done, I’ll be ready to be with you”. What a man may really mean is “there are some intrinsic attributes that turn me off from being with you, but I definitely will continue to take all that you offer in efforts to maintain this amazing friendship that I am experiencing right now.” Why wouldn’t he want to end a relationship with this type of woman? Well let’s find out!
He doesn’t want to lose the benefits- Snuggling when he wants to snuggle, getting guaranteed tail, having a comfort zone with someone, these are things that he enjoys! If it isn’t an issue, why would he change it? I mean think about it ladies, if you have a guy who paid your bills every month, would you want to lose that benefit?
Doesn’t want to see unpleasant feelings-I never understood why guys feel like a woman is supposed to be happy when he tells her something that she doesn’t want to hear. Granted, yes she shouldn’t smack you or light your car on fire, but she should be able to express her dismay. I have heard many guys say they hate a woman when she cries, but the longer you draw it out the worse it is going to be. Suck it up boys!
He genuinely enjoys the friendship-Now as women we can sometimes be vindictive and yes, we may want to stop talking to him altogether. We will think “he didn’t want me as something permanent in his life why would I be his friend?” Unfortunately, we don’t always get what we want. So at this point you have to determine, is he worth it as a friend or not?
It’s time for guys to understand how to effectively make it clear to your FWB that you aren’t looking for a relationship with her….be honest. Tell her why you do not see her as a viable relationship partner. If she took the time to tell you how she feels, I think you should respond and let her know the truth. Not the medium truth, so that you can still reap the benefits, but the whole truth so that your conscience can be clean and she can move on to someone who wants to be with her. If she is truly your friend you will want that for her. Let her know that you do not see each other as couple because you are missing a spark, because you have different childrearing views, because of whatever it is! But close that door. If you close that door, she should be able to catch the hint and move on. (If she’s crazy she won’t, but you should have cut her off period).
Finally if you want to keep this woman as a friend, you have to stop sleeping with her. I cannot stress that enough. A woman will tell a guy how she feels, he’ll still pursue her and do want he wants and then gets mad when she spray paints his car. Yeah, she knew what it was, but so did you. You can’t do relationship things with her, and then throw out the “Friend” card when it benefits you. I know that you may feel that she performs certain duties very well that you have grown accustomed, but if you don’t want her, let someone else have her so she can get on with her life. Either be her friend and keep it friendly, or move on. Or keep being a jerk, but I’m hoping that if you are reading this blog, that is something that you don’t want to do.